Trying to come to grips

Been spending a lot of time working on me lately.

Started my 175th diet and exercise program end of June, lost 25lbs so far. Not bad, but often a real drag. I know I need to be healthier and that doesn't necessarily mean thin, but healthy. All my fluffy peeps know what I am talking about.
Which brings me to something else. If I have to listen to one more average or thing bitch complain about how she is soooo fat or she has never been the same since she birthed 4 or 5 babies and will never get smaller than a 8 ever again I am going POSTAL.

Ok, also been doing a lot of hard work in therapy. Getting much better at not measuring my worth by Amanda's actions or lack there of. Also trying not to judge myself solely on my education being completed or having "money" or having my life path going in a crazy squiggle most of my life. 
Also working on forgiveness, and acceptance and loving detachment...

I can't make people be the friends I want them to be, nor can I make people like me. The fact that I have or feel I have no friends also does not measure my worth. I often have made the mistake of being that person who instantly wants to be one of your best peeps. I go overboard in my giving ( both financial and emotional ) and in my depth of sharing and caring. Often people are not who I think they are ) I meet you I make a hasty snap decision). It's OK if the people I thought were family or besties are not as into me as I them. I shall not judge them for that.
I will not spend time with people who bring me down, or cause my inner ugly to come out. If I don't like the person I am when I am with them, no more simple as that. No hate, no anger, just loving acceptance.

But I still need more "friends"

Working on allowing myself to be loved. Nick adores me, I never accept a compliment or his love without a sarcastic comeback. For almost every I love you or you are beautiful or sexy or smart or funny I come back with a no you don't or are you blind or you must not have gotten laid alot as a young man to I am a idiot or only for a girl. I am getting better but I have a long way to go.

I also need to stop second guessing the love from my family. Stop wondering if they are simply "being kind" or polite.


 

Summertime and the living is HARD

long time, no see!!

Let's see, what I thought was going to be a easy breezy summer has turned into a looong hot cruel summer.
I had to get a "real job" as nannying with my new family wasn't working out. In my passive aggressive style, I did not want things to be awkward so I lied about why I was leaving them. I told them I was going to pend the summer at my folks in the country. They area a lovely family, but the hours were too irregular. One week I make 200, the next 400, the next 150.
Need a steady pay check to pay my bills.
As a result, my cards saw some charging.
So it was off to the corporate world, medical billing correction. I hate the corporate world, it kills my spirit but I guess I can put up with it for a year.


I start my last semester of classes this fall. Was supposed to do student teaching in the spring, but have to put it off to fall 2013. You can not work when you student teach. You are in "class" all week, school hours, 7-4 or so...as a result, I need to have my credit cards scrubbed clean AND have enough money saved to pay my half of the bills while I am student teaching....

Back to the Grind

I had it good for two years. I worked as a nanny and was able to take a break from corporate soul sucking office life.
I had figured the nanny gig would last but it didn't and my latest nanny gig has been a drag. Unpredictable days and hours have left a strain on my social life (not that I have one to begin with) my love life and my budget.
So on Monday I start doing what I am good at. Correcting claims and getting them paid. Not the worse job in the world and I know a lot of people don't have jobs or a decent salary. It's just a drag.
I had really hoped I could have avoided cubby land until I was done with my masters and found my first grown up teacher job.
Just got to keep telling myself, this too shall pass, this is temporary, change happens.....

Helplessness

I've said the word "helpless" probably a hundred times since I came back from vacation a mere 2 weeks ago.
It's cliche, it's dramatic but it's perfect.

I have no control over Amanda's choices right now, I can hope she makes the "right" ones, I can pray she remembers what we have tried to instil, but it's her time to fly, shine and fall down a few times.

I can only illicit so much control over my work situation. I am trying my best to find a more lucrative position and one that has more predictable and stable hours. But after the dozens of contacts and resumes for both nannying and "real world" work, it is out of my hands. I can not make somebody like me best or hire me. I can only be myself, know that I am capable of great work and get on by.

I have no control over my loved one's health or how much they choose to reveal to me. I can only be there as much and as present as I can, for nobody knows what the future holds. I can listen and love.

I have no control over the fact that I am 37 with no career. That journey started when it did and will have to end when it does because I have a family and responsibilities. I can not change the makeup or realness of my family nor can I turn back the clock. I also can not control where the educational field will be once this Master's is done.

There is much I can not control. I am helpless in many regards.

I can control some things:

I can choose to be in the moment and attentive to my husband and daughter.
I can control how I let people treat me and who I let near my heart.
I can control how I spend what meager wages I receive.
I can choose to be a altruistic person even if it does not result in me getting "ahead" 
I can let go
I can let things be
I can forgive others and myself
I can control what I put in my mouth and what I do with my body.

      

Stupid Vacation

Stupid Vacation! Vacation was supposed to help relax all the bullshit from my life, and it did for awhile...It was peaceful, blue water, sex on a nightly schedule. Deep sleep. No worries about Amanda or what to do for work when I returned or life in general.

Except we had to come back. In one week, Amanda managed to skip school three times, and have the police at our house because some boy was acting a fool screaming and yelling in our driveway.

I felt fat and cramped on vacation, the food was crap which did not make me feel any better body wise. Came home and yup still fat. Thinking very long and hard about making an appointment with a doctor about the lap band. Tired of squeezing in plastic patio chairs and asking for a seat belt extender.

Somehow, through no fault of my own, I lost my morning sitting gig. Went the week after vacation and then a email to tell me no longer needed. A friend of the family will cover the last 4weeks needed before school lets out. My regular job keeps giving me less and less hours as they are trying to "save money" in their half a million dollar home. Meanwhile, I keep having to ask Nick to cover bills more and more often. I know writing about vacation and money woes in same post seems irresponsible and it is. But Nick already paid for the vacation and we would have lost the airfare. And let's not get it twisted, we are not poor, I just want/need savings!!!

So I need a job, one that pays a livable wage, either nanny or big girl job. If only my great nanny gig would have lasted another year to year and a half until student teaching stated, that would have been excellent. Alas these things do not work out as they are supposed to, too often it seems to me.

I have not had sex once since we returned. When I am not cleaning or looking for a job, I am sleeping or silently cursing Amanda, or worrying about other shit. So much for the love train being started back up.

I also still feel completely friendless, which is ironic as I had a party I was invited to last Saturday that I did not attend due to all the bullshit running rampant through my head. I just don't want to do anything or anyone. I would however, love to be back in a lounge chair in Mexico.

Best of my 20's part 3 & 4

Ok so I am doing this all in one set of posts...here is number 3&4 of the good things my 20's gave to me.

3) The SCA and all the friends it brought, especially Christin, Patricio, Pierre, Tristan, Wurm, Yasmine, and yes even Roger along with so many others.

The SCA is a medieval re-enactment group. Kinda like those Civil War re-enactors but trust me waaaayyyy more fun
I needed a place to live, I had at that time joint custody of Amanda. Her sperm donor was loaded and the abuse with her had not started. I was a kid and got bullied into agreeing to joint. I figured he loved her and it was best for her...man i was dumb.
Anyway, I needed a place to live and one that took babies. However, I could not afford a apartment. I found a room to let through Tony, as he knew one of the guys in this huge falling down Victorian home. But there was a catch. I wasn't supposed to have a kid. So I lied. I met everyone in the house and they liked me! I moved in and would "sneak" Amanda in. Keep her as quiet as possible until everyone left then we would have the run of the house.
Except Christin found me out. And once I fessed up to everyone, they still let me stay, Amanda and all. They were the best, a second family and I felt relatively safe from said monster.
Christin introduced me to the SCA I loved it. It was history and fun and friends and the men were not only handsome but seemed to generally dig chicks. They were chivalrous, even to the fat ones. Everyone appeared to value intelligence and wit and jokes, all of which I was good at. Unknowingly, Tony introduced me to the group that would provide me with my future husband :(
So these people were amazing! I further gained long lasting friendships, bonds I can not give proper description to but am forever thankful for. It also built up my self confidence...thank you all!

4) Nicholas. What can I say? I met you at one of my first SCA events. As the story goes, Christin asked you to recite a Poe poem. I was there with Tony. You read from memory the Annabel Lee. I whispered to Christin, this guy would be so hot if he didnt have Any Gibb hair. or maybe I said Jesus hair, the tale as our youth has become muddled...I never forgot his voice. Fast forward a few years later. I am at THE big SCA event. This amazing looking pirate and his Spanish sidekick...come bouncing over to Christin and I, the pirate gives her a huge hug and engages in the harmless. yet constant flirting we all engaged in then. I remembered his sidekick from high school. I was unhappy with my relationship with Tony, who for better or worse had stayed home while I went on vacation with my friends at 24...

When the two left where we were sitting, I turned to Christin once again and said who was that? To which she replied, he is a tall class of tall dark and handsome, isn't her? And I said something to the effect of I chose him...I chased this piece hard the whole week. HE was not only oblivious to women being interested in him, but was leery of this kid with a kid who was following him around all day asking if he needed water and chased he from party to party. I was pretty pathetic. We kissed once and I was smitten.

Low and behold! He lived near us! I infiltrated his attention by befriended his friend the "Spaniard" who was a lousy friend and spent no small amount of time hitting on my and telling me to forget Nick.   Katie, sweet Katie (thank you) would watch Amanda so I could hit the Griffin every thursday night to further chase my prey. I just knew...
Many silly events, Tony and I broke up and finally September of 1999 he was mine!
Once I hooked him it moved quick, now we both knew. He moved in. I adored him...we married in 2001.

Nick may have not ever "wanted" a family but he has been the best Dad to Amanda, we both make mistakes but he has made me so proud with how honestly and openly he took on the role.

We have had some ups and downs and oh my the downs were something else. Just like before I did not believe I deserved a "good guy" and was always pushing him away those first few years but he stuck it out. We both matured with and inspired by one another . We decided that marriage was something important to us (after we were married and almost at divorce go figure) and worked on this thing like crazy.

My friends always said you could tell how he looked at me that he adored me. I finally recognized that maybe seven years in? And am amazed that I still see it. We are best buds, lovers, parents and I can not imagine my life without him. Because of him I have become a grown up, whatever that means. If not for him, I would never have gone to college which was my dream. We are in this together until the wheels fall off.
I think I have had a positive influence on him too.   

Best of my twenties....

For anyone who knows me or has been reading this blog, my start in life was not so smooth. Crazy mother, divorced parents, sexual abuse, abusive relationships, teenage mom, my little girl molested all before I was 21..whew

The beginning of my 20's was rough, no doubt. But there were 4 bright spots, spots that I feel helped pave the way for how well (relatively speaking) I am doing today. Here they are in order as I feel especially for  numbers 1 and 2 I need to give some sort of public appreciation.

1) Tony- Many don't know a lot about Tony, I met him during the middle of my nightmare with Amanda's sperm donor. I was actually living with my mom and her husband who coincidentally was also the sperm donor's older half brother. ( I told you my mom was crazy). Anyway, the same "friend" that introduced me to the sperm donor/monster also introduced me to Tony and a few of his friends at a dive bar in the city of Newburgh.  Unbeknownst to me,  said friend had a huge cocaine problem that kept her in the bathroom that night and I apparently was oblivious to for many years.  
While she got high, I reached for my own high through tequila shots and beer. Lots of both. I spent most of the night talking to Tony and fell hard. He had beautiful blue eyes, a cute mouth and was BIG the way I like my men, well over six feet tall and built like a barrel. Heavy but nothing but solid. I have a thing for men who I feel can protect me, that I can feel safe around after the monster debacle.
He offered to drive me home, I was so tanked I couldn't give proper directions. He asked for my number and I wrote it down wrong. I finally got home and the next day that man had tried every possible number combination until he reached me! You can't imagine what that did for my self esteem which was always bad but was right then in the crapper.  We started dating. I had to move to a shelter for battered women, I had a abusive, insane ex stalking me and threatening me, I had a newborn and a court case for her molestation at the hands of her own father and still this young man still wanted to date me.
His family was kind, generous and  the love we developed for one another was truly something special. We stayed together for about 3years. HE was my rock. He taught me compassion, and how to love normally and made me feel like a princess. I would like to think I helped give him confidence and move out of himself. 
He was there for me during a very difficult time in my life. A horrible thing happened on the way to the opera though. As my confidence grew and my size reduced, I began to realize that I did not want what he necessarily wanted. And I was far from healed or normal. I still made this man jump through emotionality hoops for me, I was mean and nasty often. He wanted kids. I was unsure if I had really wanted the one I already had and sure wasn't in the mood for any more. He wanted to start his own pizzeria, I just didn't want that life. I still wanted him to prove he loved me constantly though and I put him through such hell.
Then I met someone else, and I swear although I cared so much and yes, loved Tony I heard fireworks for Nicholas who I have been with for 13years. It was heartbreaking but I had to follow my heart.
I remember my uncle who had been in a nasty divorce and was pretty much a doormat in his 15+ year marriage telling me he was proud of me and admired me for taking the leap. For following my heart. But it killed me. I don't want anyone to think it was a flip or easy decision. I was gut wrenching not only for me, but for my daughter. And especially Tony. He was such a emotional, the bigger they are the harder they fall kinda guy. I am not saying I am a super model or have a magic coochie but I know it hurt him very very much.
I had guilt for years, probably until I started therapy. Not only for hurting him but it fallout. A "lady" who was dating his best friend had told me when Tony and I started dating that she was upset that I had Tony because she was working on bagging him. It was weird. She was probably ten years older than the rest of us and then she almost immediately started dating his best friend.
I don't know if it was the catalyst, but very shortly after we broke up, she broke up with her guy and Tony and her started dating. I felt even worse, for Tony's friend who I was sad to lose (hey every breakup has friends who go to each partner and they had known each other since childhood) but for Tony. I knew he wanted kids, a family etc. And I knew he did not want this woman. I asked him once shortly after why. His answer? He didn't want to be alone! That killed me. I am sorry I hurt him. However, he saved me when I needed it most and I thank him from the center of my being for that.

2) Amanda- I feel like as she has grown older I spend more time bitching about her and less time loving her. And that is true to a point. I was a teen mom for the love of goodness gracious!  Amanda saved me too though. Prior to getting pregnant, I had a early acceptance to Pace in NYC. I was 17 and going to go to NYC by myself! My mom talked me out of it as I had to support the family and shortly after I started humping the sperm donor.  I am convinced on some level it was done to save me. My self esteem and addictive personality in NY at 17? I would have been a full on tramp who would likely be addicted to a number of things, non of which would be legal I am sure.
She made me grow up. I had to pull up my boot straps. And when the bottom fell out and that poor precious baby was abused and my world fell apart I had to be strong. I had thought I was strong as a teen leaving in hell, but Amanda made me the strong person I am today in a round about way. I had to and embraced worrying about and living for somebody else. We grew up together but she has given me probably more than I could ever give her....

numbers 3 & 4 to follow