For anyone who knows me or has been reading this blog, my start in life was not so smooth. Crazy mother, divorced parents, sexual abuse, abusive relationships, teenage mom, my little girl molested all before I was 21..whew
The beginning of my 20's was rough, no doubt. But there were 4 bright spots, spots that I feel helped pave the way for how well (relatively speaking) I am doing today. Here they are in order as I feel especially for numbers 1 and 2 I need to give some sort of public appreciation.
1) Tony- Many don't know a lot about Tony, I met him during the middle of my nightmare with Amanda's sperm donor. I was actually living with my mom and her husband who coincidentally was also the sperm donor's older half brother. ( I told you my mom was crazy). Anyway, the same "friend" that introduced me to the sperm donor/monster also introduced me to Tony and a few of his friends at a dive bar in the city of Newburgh. Unbeknownst to me, said friend had a huge cocaine problem that kept her in the bathroom that night and I apparently was oblivious to for many years.
While she got high, I reached for my own high through tequila shots and beer. Lots of both. I spent most of the night talking to Tony and fell hard. He had beautiful blue eyes, a cute mouth and was BIG the way I like my men, well over six feet tall and built like a barrel. Heavy but nothing but solid. I have a thing for men who I feel can protect me, that I can feel safe around after the monster debacle.
He offered to drive me home, I was so tanked I couldn't give proper directions. He asked for my number and I wrote it down wrong. I finally got home and the next day that man had tried every possible number combination until he reached me! You can't imagine what that did for my self esteem which was always bad but was right then in the crapper. We started dating. I had to move to a shelter for battered women, I had a abusive, insane ex stalking me and threatening me, I had a newborn and a court case for her molestation at the hands of her own father and still this young man still wanted to date me.
His family was kind, generous and the love we developed for one another was truly something special. We stayed together for about 3years. HE was my rock. He taught me compassion, and how to love normally and made me feel like a princess. I would like to think I helped give him confidence and move out of himself.
He was there for me during a very difficult time in my life. A horrible thing happened on the way to the opera though. As my confidence grew and my size reduced, I began to realize that I did not want what he necessarily wanted. And I was far from healed or normal. I still made this man jump through emotionality hoops for me, I was mean and nasty often. He wanted kids. I was unsure if I had really wanted the one I already had and sure wasn't in the mood for any more. He wanted to start his own pizzeria, I just didn't want that life. I still wanted him to prove he loved me constantly though and I put him through such hell.
Then I met someone else, and I swear although I cared so much and yes, loved Tony I heard fireworks for Nicholas who I have been with for 13years. It was heartbreaking but I had to follow my heart.
I remember my uncle who had been in a nasty divorce and was pretty much a doormat in his 15+ year marriage telling me he was proud of me and admired me for taking the leap. For following my heart. But it killed me. I don't want anyone to think it was a flip or easy decision. I was gut wrenching not only for me, but for my daughter. And especially Tony. He was such a emotional, the bigger they are the harder they fall kinda guy. I am not saying I am a super model or have a magic coochie but I know it hurt him very very much.
I had guilt for years, probably until I started therapy. Not only for hurting him but it fallout. A "lady" who was dating his best friend had told me when Tony and I started dating that she was upset that I had Tony because she was working on bagging him. It was weird. She was probably ten years older than the rest of us and then she almost immediately started dating his best friend.
I don't know if it was the catalyst, but very shortly after we broke up, she broke up with her guy and Tony and her started dating. I felt even worse, for Tony's friend who I was sad to lose (hey every breakup has friends who go to each partner and they had known each other since childhood) but for Tony. I knew he wanted kids, a family etc. And I knew he did not want this woman. I asked him once shortly after why. His answer? He didn't want to be alone! That killed me. I am sorry I hurt him. However, he saved me when I needed it most and I thank him from the center of my being for that.
2) Amanda- I feel like as she has grown older I spend more time bitching about her and less time loving her. And that is true to a point. I was a teen mom for the love of goodness gracious! Amanda saved me too though. Prior to getting pregnant, I had a early acceptance to Pace in NYC. I was 17 and going to go to NYC by myself! My mom talked me out of it as I had to support the family and shortly after I started humping the sperm donor. I am convinced on some level it was done to save me. My self esteem and addictive personality in NY at 17? I would have been a full on tramp who would likely be addicted to a number of things, non of which would be legal I am sure.
She made me grow up. I had to pull up my boot straps. And when the bottom fell out and that poor precious baby was abused and my world fell apart I had to be strong. I had thought I was strong as a teen leaving in hell, but Amanda made me the strong person I am today in a round about way. I had to and embraced worrying about and living for somebody else. We grew up together but she has given me probably more than I could ever give her....
numbers 3 & 4 to follow
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