All encompassing

I always held this illusion that once Amanda got older that I could and would have more time to myself. And to a certain level this is true.
Of course she doesn't want to spend much time with us, especially me. Amanda hates me right now. She tweets about how much she hates me in fact. She hates me, I am a screaming bitch who never leaves her alone and makes everything about myself. She can't wait to move out. I never help her. We aren't there for her. blah blah blah
Now 99% of what this little girl feels is her feeling but factual bullshit. Except maybe one thing. I may make more of "our" shit "my" shit. I often find I can not look at things from her way of thinking. I want her to be rational. I was rarely rational until about 5minutes ago, so why should I expect the same of her?
The funny thing is, Amanda takes up more of my mental time now then she ever did before. EVER. I lay in bed at night, looking at the ceiling, the clock praying for sleep but unable to untangle Amanda from my mind. The what may be, the what has been the what is now is 3/4 of what my brain is working on everyday.
I hardly have sex as every time we are close I worry Amanda will hear us and tweet how gross we are. Or that she has done the same thing in her room with some gross boy. We go out and all I talk about is Amanda. I text Nick about Amanda. I cry in the car about Amanda. It never stops.
I can't seem to back off but I can't help but think based on her long list of screw ups that she is incapable of  NOT fucking up.
I am conditioned to be tense, curt, sensitive and hurt around her. Honesty, she has trained me to be this way. I know I am the mother, the more mature one. My responsibility is to care for her and not consider how I am sacrificing to meet the end goal. But you can only be mistreated for so long before you are broken. You wouldn't keep going to a friends house because they called you names, ruined your shit and was a shit head, would you?  I cut the cancer of my mother from my life after years of being told i was shit, but give her money, help her out, dragged into drama and pain everyday.
So I try to put the two into separate containers. Mother in one and person in another. I imagine Amanda feels the same, that I don't see her as a person, only a daughter. That she can only handle so much of me constantly trying to tell her whats right before she doesn't care anymore. And she is likely right. But I doubt Amanda is consumed by the nature of our relationship.
This is hard.