Anyone who knows me knows I have issues with feeling loved or worthy. I doubt that I have very many "true" friends. People always say oh hush, you are being silly, you have lots of friends.
But really? When do I see them? Some of this may and likely is due to people as they get older, having lives that require more of their time and atention. But you also make time in your life for the things that are important right?
When I was in the 6th grade, I threw a Valentines's day party. I had Phil Collins and Shelia E records ready, M&M's and soda all laid out. NOBODY came. Nobody. It may have scarred me for lifed.
So I have this friend. I had such high hopes for where our relationship would go. I seriously love this person, but everything is a constant bicker match. And honestly I never feel like they truly want me around. They always say I am welcome anytime, that I am too sensitive and that they aren't one to "plan out anything" but I am not one to invite myself over. It seems this person does lots without me when we are geographically very close. It makes me sad. Then to top it off, when we are together they either seem indifferent to my feelings or they seem to challenge everything I say, opinion or fact. My therapist says that some people show they are about somebody else who is experiencing emotional shit by appearing indifferent as they don't want to see their loved ones hurt. Maybe, I find I do that same exact thing.
It just hurts when you truly feel someone is family, you do tons of shit for them and with them but you are the only one (it feels) picking up the phone. Sometimes I feel like I have a boyfriend who will hang out with me if I do the calling and they have nothing better to do.
Likely not fact, but how I feel.
But I tend to always be in friendships that are onsided, or unhealthy or insane. I guess one more extension of the bullshit I carryover from my childhood.
Knowing where it comes from doesn't fix it. Only I can fix it. But I am lonely.
Really lonely.
I know it sounds dramatic, I know others have it worse than me. But I am terribly, totally lonely.
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