Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The exact moment...

Sometime you can remember the exact moment your life changed. I can remember the year I became fat.
I have been overweight in some form or another since I was about 7 years old? That was the year my mother married her second husband,  my own personal nightmare.
I was blamed for everything, seriously, he would do stupid shit like eat all the ice cream or break something then tell my mom i did it. Which of course she believed. I must be acting out over the marriage and my soon to be younger brother. Daryl came when I was 8 and Bradley came when I was 10. I adored my little brothers and can not recall any ill will I held towards them.
I hated their father. You see my step dad molested me. I know now that this is a epidemic in this country and especially for young girls the numbers are scary. I was not "special" in this regard
But perhaps my case was a little "special". You see not only did my step dad abuse me but I had the fun distinction of being abused by many of his equally high class friends.
The babysitter who happened to be the 20 something daughter of my step father's lover (mom wasn't supposed to know about our visits to the older woman's house where I would sit in the living room when they went in her bedroom to have a "smoke"). My mom let this lady's daughter watch me while she worked nights, one of the few times in my life my mom worked.
Then there were the almost grown kids of their best friends, whose rooms I was banished to. While the grownups were doing grown up things, I was engaging in other grown up activities. Then there were the best friends, parents to the siblings.
Throw on this heap a good deal of domestic violence, funny I never had the "courage" to fight off sexual abuse but would throw myself between my mom and her husband without fear when he was going to hit her. No wonder I am screwy.
I will save the gems of my mother for another post. Another post or ten to my mothers messed up family. This post is reserved for him. The man who changed my life.
So people deal with sexual abuse differently. Boys who are abused have a good chance of growing into men who abuse (case in point my daughter's sperm donor), for both boys and girls they grown up with addictions, self harming, eating disorders.
I became addicted to food. I felt if I could become as unattrative as possible then men wouldnt want to have sex with me. Plain and simple.
I also would punch myself, so full of anger I would hit myself in the stomach or go outside where I would hit trees over and over again with sticks or my jumprope.
I became hyper-sexualized at a young age.
But mostly I ate, sugar, comfort foods, potatoes anything really.
But here's the kicker, when you finally become old enough to articulate what happened to you and why you have this problem your body is used to being big, it's not like you find enlightenment and puff! you no longer want to eat three cheeseburgers. it takes tons of work to remove the habit and design of the tons of weight.
You can win a battle here and there. But unless you peel all those layers back and dsinfect the crap out of that wound, along with all the other wounds, the infection doesn't go away.
So I lose weight, gain weight.

My mother divorced the my monster when I was 12. When I was 14 he died in in a car accident. I few months later I told my mom some of what happened. She told me I must have dreamt it. I don't think I dreamnt it. My addictions and unresolved anger say I did not dream it.

So I have spent 20 plus years trying to undo 4 years of crap.
So I eat, alot.
I am working on getting to those wounds so I can pour a shitload of peroxide on those little fuckers.

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